worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
