just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
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