Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
