i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
