Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
