Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
