A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
