If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
