I'm sorry my penis didn't work
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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