Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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