girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
