Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
