i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
