he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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