I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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