I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
