How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
i black out too much to be "responsible"
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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