dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
