i think i have two assholes
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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