I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
