I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize