I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
