Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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