so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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