my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
