So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
