I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
