I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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