Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
