that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
There's always time for handjobs
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Randomize
