watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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