walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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