Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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