I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
