How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
