I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
please come you make the beer taste better
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
