my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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