Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
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