My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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