fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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