you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
