I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
