Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
