My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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