i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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