just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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