Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
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