my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
