I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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