Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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