You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
