Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Randomize
