I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
