Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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