i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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