i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
