i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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