I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
