drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
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