Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
