I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
