Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
