you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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