I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
