so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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