I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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