I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
