im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
