giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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